object relations.

so some lady named something chodorow came up with this theory that addresses gender identity in relationship formation and object choice. an object is a person who we project ourselves onto. this theory applies only in societies where women mother a child and fathers are less involved in child-rearing, which just so happens to be most societies. so basically when babies are born, they're obviously instantly connected to their mom because a. they came out of her vagina and b. they suck on their breasts for sustenance. so when it's a boy the object (person) they identify with is a female and as they grow up they learn to step away from that identification and identify with male. they renounce their sameness with females as to preserve their masculine identity. see? nonetheless they seek females for the replication of the bond they had with their mom's. which is why it is said that males seem to end up with girls that remind them of their mother. get it? yah. their ambivalence (mixed emotions and feelings) = identity. when it's a girl, it's switched. they identify with a female and stay that way. but they have to learn to change the object of their love from female (mama) to male. females seek support of a mom type from their male counterparts. they begin to devalue females and themselves to develop their identity. because females don't want to grow up to be their mother. their ambivalence = relationships. SO! both males and females diminish the feminine and males fear identity loss in merging with females. YET they desire the original emotional bond. females long for a love object like their mom and seek connection. sex ties into it all too. makes sex makes intimacy stronger. after sex men want a separation while women want emotional connection which creates a conflict. it's not like men hate them or anything, but they want to save their identity and not cuddle because thats just way too feminine. sex creates a vulnerability in a relationship that males to not appreciate so they have to separate themselves for a second to feel manly again. women want to fix the vulnerability by just being hugged like their mommas used to hug them when they felt bad. see the problem? the point is, males and females in heterosexual relationships hate each other but they love each other and it's all your mom's fault. amirite?

fun facts:

-men focus their problems on careers/success, while women focus problems on relationships.

-men cheat more frequently than women.

-men initially choose partners based on attractiveness, while women choose partners based on careers.

-females are conscious of their seeking for emotional connections with males while males are unconscious of seeking emotion connections with females.

-males are conscious of their need for separation while females are unconscious of that.

-males and females like to be both the pursued and purser in a relationship.

-i might have psychology student syndrome, in which a psych student (me!) tries to apply whatever they learn to everyone they know...

i said it once and i'll say it again, psychology is crazy.