wow.

i just had a moment with myself. like a MOMENT. you know? i usually have moments with other people where you feel an epic burst of emotion and you let out a sigh of relief and it just feels so good to be a part of their life. i had one with mayra on saturday (did you feel it?!) when i surprised her and we hugged for a quick second. it was super aw. and i have these moments with samantha all the time. and with derek. and i just had one with myself. it was so weird but so amazing. for that moment, i felt absolutely perfect. and right now i'm really happy that i had that moment. my life made sense. everything was right. and it was pretty much the best feeling ever. i had got out of class early so i walked to this spot on a hill and just sat there alone watching the sunset while listening to cocorosie on my ipod. and i'm sitting there and i start thinking about everything and everyone in my life. and then i had a sad nostalgic moment but quickly realized not to be sad about things like that because there are just some things you can't control or change. so then i got up to walk back to my room and i was like, man a cigarette would be fun right now. and literally right after i had that thought a girl stopped in front of me to light one. so i asked her for one and she gave me one, and it was a 27. and in my head i kept getting happier and happier because i was having good luck with this little personal rendezvous. so i walked down a seperate path and sat on a railing facing the trees and ocean and sunset and it was so beautiful. and everything surrounding me was just so close. or something idk. it was just simple and nice to be around. and sitting there smoking the cigarette watching the sunset listening to werewolf i realized how amazing my life is. how amazing it HAS been. how everything that i worry about doesn't even matter because it's so unimportant to be getting worked about. because in reality what matters in life is the people you surround yourself. its how you interact with them and how you show you care. and i feel that i sometimes don't do enough to show the people closest to me just how much they mean to me. but i figured that if they didn't know, they wouldn't be so fucking good to me. and it was like a moment where i was like, shit. i fucking LOVE these people. i almost can't live without them so going home to them is just amazing. i can't say i'm sure how i ended up stumbling across this thought in my head. but it was there and tapping into it made me feel better about myself. maybe it was all the alcohol and drugs i've been doing. maybe it's the fact that i was just home without really knowing i would be home. maybe it's the fact that mayra's pregnant and i think about that a lot and how it's like double love for her now. maybe it's the fact that each time i see samantha i feel more like a sister than just a friend because we're really just THAT close. maybe it's the fact that i have a boyfriend who has been so charming and good to me and i absolutely love him. maybe it's the fact that i live a seperate life from alex but when we're together we still live the same life. maybe it's the fact that the people i didn't think i'd ever be close to i see like little brotherz and best friends. maybe it's the fact that music makes my mind open up. maybe it's the fact that sometimes you just need to sit alone and think. maybe it's everything just coming together tonight at this particular sunset. whatever the reason, in that small space of time, i changed. i felt myself change. i felt myself realize something and i felt it change me. i felt it all at once like a blow to my fucking soul. i'm so complete right now.